


A Good Place To Start

by dancingdragon3



Series: Tangled Braids [2]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fix-It, Implied/Referenced Sex, Kissing, Romance, Timey-Wimey, missing episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-08-12 06:20:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7923844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancingdragon3/pseuds/dancingdragon3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After leaving Trenzalore, Eleven decides to finally check in on River in the Library.<br/>Setting: Begins immediately after The Name of the Doctor, and then goes back to post-Forest of the Dead. References/spoilers for The Angels Take Manhattan, and characters from New Earth, The Time of Angels, and Day of the Doctor.</p><p> </p><p>  <b>*Chapters do not have to be read in posted order.</b><br/><i>"Flashbacks/memories of past dialogue"</i><br/><i>Internal thoughts</i></p><p> </p><p>Written for <a href="http://who-contest.livejournal.com/">who_contest</a> one-shot challenge “Peculiar”.<br/>Also written for <a href="http://puzzleprompts.livejournal.com/">puzzleprompts</a> August puzzle. Prompts - flight (of the TARDIS and Library), evolved sentient feline (catkind nurses and guards), soldier/guardian, wrong (The Doctor lands in the wrong time.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Good Place To Start

The TARDIS was parked on the dark side of the moon. They had left the wasteland of Trenzalore without incident, the TARDIS only too eager to get away from her decaying future self. They’d gotten everyone back to their proper time periods, and now sat, orbiting 21st century earth for want of a destination. 

That was a lie. The Doctor had a destination, but he couldn’t....

_“He left me like a book on a shelf. Didn’t even say goodbye.”_

He knew she was there, of course. Had understood that her casual tone and frozen posture hid a torrent of pain and anger because of him. That she understood his reasons didn’t make it any better. It only made the shame worse. He certainly hadn’t meant to make her feel...forgotten or abandoned. But how could he bear to go back? Just brushing against the possibility made his insides feel like they were splitting apart. 

Yet, he couldn’t stand the idea of people being worse off for knowing him. It had happened too many times - Adric, Astrid, Lorna - the list went on far too long. And what would Amy and Rory say if they knew? Their only daughter. His eyes stung, remembering the last time he’d seen Amy in that other cemetery.

 _“Stop it! Come back inside the TARDIS, Amy.”_

_“But, it’s my best chance, ya?”_

_“NO!”_

_“Doctor, shut up. Yes, yes it is!”_

And even before that, her and Rory jumping off that roof together. Because together was the only way for them to live or die. That’s what marriage meant to humans. To his family. 

_“I thought it would hurt too much. And I was right.”_

Amy and Rory would never understand. The Doctor looked at the darkened viewscreen. He could barely make out his gaunt reflection under the muted lighting he prefered these days. 

_“He doesn’t like endings.”_

“Poor excuse for a Pond you’ve turned out to be,” he told himself. “You’re a coward...sweetie.” His voice broke. He collapsed back against the railing on a wave of anguish, covering his face as he let himself sob as he hadn’t since that first outpouring of surprised grief, with “Raggedy Man” echoing in his ears. 

All those months, years, hiding on that cloud and he hadn’t cried again. Not one tear. Not till this morning. Not for Amy, Rory...not even River, the first time she’d projected her ghost into the TARDIS and he’d known she was gone.

He’d thought putting off the trip to Darillium would put off her death, but all it did was ensure that trip would be even more painful than he’d imagined. Having to get through it pretending she wasn’t already dead in another time and place. He hadn’t thought a date with one’s wife could be more dreaded. Until now. 

_“Say it like you’re going to come back.”_

There was only one way he knew to conquer shame. Before he lost his nerve, he set the coordinates, flew away from humanity’s moon, across the galaxy, and forwards in time. Everyone had a grave out there somewhere. If he could face his own, he could face River in hers. 

It wasn’t long before the TARDIS landed with a whining jolt. The Doctor took a deep breath, wiped his face, and looked over at the doors. Anything could be waiting on the other side. A horde of invisible flesh eaters, for one thing. One quick scan, and then another, more detailed, showed a few thousand life forms, but no evidence of Vashda Narada infestation.That was unexpected. And worrisome, considering he’d promised them safety if they let him and Donna and the others saved to the hard drive go free.

What was downright peculiar, however, was that all the lifeforms present registered as either human or catkind. Had the Library been converted into a hospital? Panic shot through him. What of River’s neural code? He hadn’t even considered... A second examination of the temporal coordinates, and....

“No, no, no!” The Doctor pounded the console, yelling in frustration. Twenty years had passed, not the week he aimed for. He was such an idiot. Such a cowardly idiot. Twenty years. Anything could have happened. _Oh, Amy, Rory..._ He’d let them down, again. 

The TARDIS alerted him to an incoming communication. The urge to fly off and try for an earlier time was strong. But this was when the TARDIS wanted him to be, and he had to believe she would want the best for her child. 

He scratched his jaw then flipped the up switch. 

A large holographic head appeared. A woman’s face, long dark hair, cheeks round and rosy with a wide smile. “Hello again, Doctor. Welcome back to the Library.” 

“Miss...Evangelista, wasn’t it?” He snapped his fingers, hope flaring anew. If she was here...

The flicker of a frown passed over her face before it cleared and she nodded. “I’m flattered that you remember me. I am now secretary in charge of visitor coordination and relations. As such, do you mind if I ask you to move your vehicle to these coordinates? That’s our short term visitor landing bay. You’re currently obstructing the entrance to divinely inspired prophecy.” 

“Aw, sorry about that. Is that a...popular section, then?”

“It’s not that. It’s...well, it’s understood you don’t want your ship to attract attention. The...peculiarity of having landed at the entrance to -”

“Yes. I see the problem. Eh, Miss Secretary Evangelista...how do you know who I am?” 

“Specifics of your various likenesses and the quantum signature of your vehicle are on file, as always Doctor.” 

“Aw. That’s...not good,” he muttered. “And River, Professor River Song?” he asked in a louder voice. “Is she still on file here?” 

Secretary Evangelista’s smile vanished. “I am not allowed to divulge any information concerning Professor River Song. You will be meeting with the commander in charge of this facility, Cardinal Matron Lem.” 

The Doctor frowned, hearts sinking again. _Cardinal? Matron?_ He yanked over the screen and changed the feed to visual display. Most of the humans walking around wore military camouflage. A small group jogged by in formation, all carrying weapons. “The Library belongs to the Church, now?” Worse and worse. 

Her voice became even more automated sounding. “The Library is a subcontracted experimentation, research, and training facility, currently awaiting formal integration into the Church hierarchy. As always, the Library belongs to the Lux Corporation. Please, continue on to ships registry, where your escort will be waiting.” With that, she disappeared. 

He could never be sure when it came to humans, let alone their twenty year old digitized neural ghosts, but the Doctor thought Evangelista seemed a bit abrupt there at the end. Nevertheless, he moved the TARDIS to the designated coordinates. She detected no danger, only low level scanning and security. All completely normal, if useless, protocol. 

He put on his coat, straightened his bowtie, and cracked open the door. Deja vu swept over him at seeing the semicircle of soldiers and pointing rifles facing him. Hands held up, he exited the TARDIS, letting the doors shut behind him. 

They literally seemed to be in an underground car park, only littered with small space ships of various design. Stranger still was that there didn’t seem to be an entrance open to space. Long tunnels went off from the cavern in three directions, hopefully leading to the surface of the artificial planet. 

“At ease,” a grey haired man standing in the center said. Unlike the other bare-headed soldiers, he wore a green beret.

The eight men and women lowered their rifles, shuffling in unison. A handful looked like they were trying to hide smiles. The leader took a step forward. He had a serious, yet kind face, etched with age. No rifle, only a side arm on his belt.

“Welcome back to the Library, Doctor. I am Bishop O’Neil. I trust you are armed only with your sonic device?” 

“Well, I wouldn’t call it being armed, but I never leave home without it,” he brandished the screwdriver, giving it a casual flip. They either didn’t notice or didn’t mind his subtle scan. Bishop O’Neil soon handed him off to his “official escort”. He introduced her as Matron Bevip from the Information and Queries Department. One of the catkind nurses, complete with white dress and whimple. She had an air of age and authority not unlike the Bishop, though her feline face didn’t carry the corresponding wrinkles. And like everyone else so far, she seemed suspiciously familiar with who he was. 

A lift took them up to what he remembered as the equatorial region. The hallways and rooms looked much the same, big and airy, in warm shades of brown. Occasionally there hung a black shimmery flag with what he supposed was the symbol of this catkind order - a silver, double headed branchy thing, that looked like either a neuron or a tree and roots depending on how you looked at it. 

As they walked, the Doctor peered into the corners, and up at the vaulted ceilings. But as far as he could tell, there were no headless monks or Silents lurking nearby. Demon’s Run was over a hundred years from now. Hopefully, that meant that this was still the relatively benign Church that put out men like Bob and Bishop Octavian. And the catkind he and Rose met on New Earth thousands of years from now were anomalies to say the least. As far as he knew, their orders were always as benevolent as they claimed. Except for the missing local infestation of accidentally imported wildlife.

There were, however, a great many non-military humans and catking walking around amongst the uniformed soldiers and veiled nun nurses. They all had on non-descript black, white, or grey clothing, similar to what he’d seen here last time. 

“Who are they? Off duty troops?” 

“Some. Most are civilian visitors.” 

“The Library’s still accessible to the public, then?” 

“Not the general public, no. It is privately operated by the Church, under the administration of Madame Lux and Cardinal Matron Lem. Though it as open as a private institution can be. Every member of the Church is allowed on the waiting list. No matter their denomination, order, discipline, or how...casual their commitment. These are students. Teachers. Professionals seeking to improve their skills. People who simply love to read and learn. They can stay here for up to three months, in quiet study and contemplation. Blessed ascetic living, away from the busy and distracting universe outside.” 

“That sounds nice, I suppose. Busy. So you still have all the books, then?” 

She hesitated, before answering with what sounded like a well-rehearsed PR line. “We prefer our visitors and guests use data pads and holographic imagery. Books can be printed on demand, when necessary, but never from arboreum derived material. This order believes that trees are better off as forests providing shelter, food, air, and all else that the Divine Unknowable made them for. Not as books that can be made from countless other materials.”

Which told the Doctor nothing and everything about what happened to the books that had been here before. 

“Much of the former shelving space was needed to be repurposed for living quarters and to expand the hard drive. We’ve also added another backup server for all the...new inventory.” Matron Bevip trailed off, expression sobering as though she worried she’d said too much. 

“New inventory? Yes, I imagine a hundred new novels are added daily.” 

Matron Bevip chuckle sounded strained. “If it were only a hundred.” 

It was all very clean and peaceful, but this library was being used for things it had never been meant to. Students, teachers, and bookworms. And soldiers. And nurses. And military training subcontracting. All at the biggest, most advanced computer in history. It fit together, after a fashion, but in the most peculiar and troublesome way. He had to find out what had happened to River. He wouldn’t mind Clara’s help right now, but it looked like he’d have to save his wife all on his own. 

They took another lift up to a nearly deserted hallway. No students here. Only soldiers and nurses, most with veils drawn closed. They stopped at double doors flanked by two catkind women wearing plain, black uniforms and berets. 

“And here we are. Matron Lem’s audience chamber. Have a nice visit, sir.” Matron Bevip bowed her head. A guard opened one of the wooden doors. 

It was a large circular room, outfitted in the same dark wood as most of the library. Opposite the doors was a wall of windows letting in late afternoon sunlight. The right side of the room had a seating area and small dining table. The bubbling sound of water came from a waterfall flowing down the wall. The left side of the room was mostly hidden behind a pale red curtain. Near it was a vanity table. Wearing black, brown, and white robes that blended into the background, sat someone with wild blonde curls. Even with the sun in his face, he could still see part of her face in her mirror. 

His hearts skipped. 

The curule like chair swiveled on its base. The woman grinned at him. “Hello Sweetie.” 

He stumbled back a step, gasping. “What?” 

“You look surprised to see me.” She frowned and reached behind her. “I was afraid of this when Evangelista said you were asking after River Song. Glad I changed heads.” She produced the diary he remembered leaving behind, thumbing through it. It looked thicker, again. “I go by Tasha Lem now. Have you seen her yet?” She pointed to a brunette woman’s head on a stand nearby.

It’s eyes were closed, face looking waxen and dead. A chill swept over him. He shook his head. “How?” 

She didn’t seem to notice his discomfort, returning her attention to the book. “So, obviously, we haven’t... Hmm, have we done Midnight yet?”

His revulsion must have been very clear on his face this time, judging by her own surprised and concerned expression. She quickly went back to the achingly familiar blue book. But, the notion he might go back to that cursed planet was almost more shocking than everything else going on. But if there was one person who would want to investigate that terrifying life form... 

He fumbled out his screwdriver. The woman registered as an advanced android with neurocybernetic components. And an active neural signature. That matched the last scan this screwdriver had taken of his wife. His eyes stung again. Was he just going to cry all damn day then? 

She - the android had stopped reading her diary and was watching him warily. “Doctor?” 

He swallowed. “River?” His voice was a whisper swallowed up by the large room. 

Distress was plain on her face, now. “Oh, dear.” She thumbed back a few more pages. “Please say we’ve at least done Trenzalore. With Vastra, Clara, and the Great Intelligence?” 

“I-” He could do this. “I just left there. My grave in the future. You...River was a ghost.” He took a shaky step forward. She looked exactly the same. 

“That was the last time you saw me? Well, that certainly explains a few things. Give me a second. That’s been more than ten years for me. Have a seat, or hover. There’s tea and such over there.” She waved at the seating area. 

“But you’re...” He gestured at her, arms feeling long and useless. _Sitting here in front of me, flipping through your diary as if you aren’t..._

“Dead?” She glanced at her diary. “An echo?” She taunted, smiling wryly. She stretched her arms over the high arms of her Romanesque seat. “We prefer ‘rebodied’ and ‘safely held’ here. Though personally, I consider this to be a second chance at regeneration.” She nodded at the screwdriver he still held. “As you can see, I’m having to make due with an android body. For now anyway, until something better gets perfected. Turns out, they’re not so rubbish from this end, all things considered. Sturdier than the alternatives, that’s for sure. No Nestene consciousness to deal with.”

“But...” he waved his arms. “Why?” 

“Why?” She cocked her head, looking genuinely confused. And then a little angry. “Why...did I not stay stuck in a computer as you left me? Oh, I can’t imagine. Because I wanted more for my life, perhaps? Is that so shocking, Doctor? Did you think I was in anyway done with all I wanted to do? I had barely begun.” 

“And you wanted to start a church?!” 

“Well, it wasn’t high on the list, I’ll grant you that, but one must make do with the tools at hand. There was Charlotte’s opinion to consider. Doctor Moon’s base programming. It was as much their idea as mine. But this allows my team to continue their careers. Plus, aligning with the Church protects us from the direct jurisdiction of the Shadow Proclamation and those dreadful Judoon. Optimistic and honor bound humans and cats are better than dull, indiscriminately trigger happy rhinos any day, in my book. Even if they do wear those sexy leather kilts.” She looked him over with a saucy expression. 

“And what happened to all the Vashta Narada?” 

River’s expression fell and froze into a solemn mask. 

With a sinking sensation in his gut, he knew that he already knew the answer. He walked to the floor to ceiling windows, and their spectacular view of the planet’s surface, with all its buildings, towers, and skyways. Billions of lifeforms had hatched here, seeing it as their home. He’d spoken with them. Helped them find a voice. The beginning of self-awareness. The ability to compromise and reason. They murdered to eat, as most lifeforms did. It was their nature. Taking a deep breath, he looked over at the facsimile of his wife, thinking of her nature. 

“You killed them.” 

Her expression grew stubborn. “They killed us first.” 

“That’s a child’s answer.” 

Now she looked disgusted. Tossing the book on her table, she stomped over to him. “Did you really expect the Lux family to just hand this...incredible feat of engineering over to a bunch of jumped up mosquitoes? The most advanced digital archive ever? Along with a member of their own family? Leaving her cut off from them forever. All because you made a promise so they wouldn’t _eat_ the rest of us? If that’s not a child’s notion of fairness, Doctor, I don’t know what is.”

“They were learning, evolving. Reasoning, bargaining. You don’t know what they could’ve become.” 

“And there he is. You can erase the Doctor from every database in the universe, but you can’t take the sanctimonious man who thinks he knows better than everyone else out of the Time Lord. Only you would put the lives of evolving insects over those of sentient beings. What about Charlotte’s right to have her resting place be what she wants of it? What of me and my teams’ wishes? Since you obviously thought we should have a choice, and not leave our fate up to the natural course of things. So focused on not stepping on the ants, you don’t notice all the people you’re knocking out of your way." 

“What, do you want me to apologize for saving you?” 

“No, that’s not - 

“And the love of trees. Those symbols. It’s all a smokescreen to hide that you built a church on the corpses of billions. And to cover up that the Library accidentally harvested an entire forest of deadly predators.” 

“And to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Doctor, could you for one moment, step back from your enormous ego and look around you?” She triggered some device and a three dimensional, holographic screen fired up out of nowhere, showing the insides of the library. 

“Your deal with the Vashta Narada was a fantastical gift. But this isn’t a fantasy, my love. This is reality. A reality where it took years of human work to build this miracle of a planet. Do you really think it’s a fair use of this beautiful, enlightening space to hand it over to mindless, carnivorous insects? It was hardly a genocide. There are quadzillions of them spread all over the universe. We did not feel the need to suffer them in Our home. Not when it could, should be, so much more. But that wide open compassion is part of what makes you a miracle, Doctor. And the most infuriating man in existence. But it’s done. For a long time, now. Both what we’ve become and what we did to the local Vashta Narada. Accept it and move on.”

“Move on to what? What do you and Charlotte envision for this place?” 

She smiled and shook her head. “It makes perfect sense that the one person who makes the largest impact on the universe, would have the least amount of self-awareness. To anyone else, the logical conclusion would be obvious. We thought, if we could be saved, why not others? Why not everyone? Why couldn’t this be...heaven? The best kind of heaven, because it can be guaranteed. And we owe it in large part to you, Doctor. I worry that you’ll be horrified, but if you think for a minute, it isn’t so unlike what Gallifrey offered it’s people. And like it, accept it, or not, this is the future of humanity, catkind, and anyone else who wants to join. Souls in service to the Church, saved to a permanent digital home upon their death. A virtual heaven. Where they are guaranteed to be self aware and with their loved ones forever. Or until an unforeseen catastrophe happens to the last backup mainframe.” 

“And what do those souls have to do to get in here, in service to The Church?” 

“Things they deserve to be well rewarded for.” 

“You’re completely mad, you realize that, right?” he whispered. 

She raised her eyebrows. “Madder than usual? Madder than you on a good day?”

He had no good answer for that. 

_“I absolutely trust this man.”_

_“He isn’t some kind of madman?”_

_“I absolutely trust this man.”_

“I understand, completely, why you’re looking at me like that. But as unlikely as it may be, I am the sanest I have even been. I am on a side of existence you will never be. Can never be. And I am asking you, one last time to trust me, however strange and crazy this all seems. Trust me, Doctor, that I know what I’m doing.”

“But, you must know, River, you must remember that it was the Church...” 

“I know more about my past than you ever will.” Her cold tone allowed for no disagreement. “And you should thank me for that, you know. And you remember, I am always from you future. Even now, when it seems like that’s impossible. And one day, you will trust me with all of this. Madwoman or not.” She joked, smiling sadly, so familiar, something thawed and relaxed inside his chest. 

The Doctor finally moved to sit down, staring at the waterfall that coursed down the wall where a fireplace would normally be. River turned off the hologram and joined him on the settee to quietly read her diary. The tense silence gradually eased to wary silence. The sun set. River lit candles and a few bits of incense around the room. When she was done, she returned to sit next to him. Staring at him now.

He wouldn’t meet her eyes. “You must understand-”

“It’s been minutes since you thought you were saying goodbye, and you’ve landed in the middle of Insane Boulevard, I know. You’re still...grieving for me. And I am sorry for that. But you’re not the only one adjusting. You met up with me as Tasha Lem a couple of months ago. And...well, let’s just say you were a lot happier to see me then.” She sighed. “One would think you’d have preferred to find this place a barren wasteland, with me nothing but a long degraded program.” 

For one horrible second, he considered if that were true. If he didn’t want, deep down, for the roller coaster of their association to be over. And then sanity reasserted itself, and he realized how ridiculous that was. He’d already faced that prospect, and it had sent him into a sullen grief so profound that he suspected his recent glimpses of happiness were merely moments of insanity fueled hysteria. Subconscious attempts at self-preservation from an imminent mental break down. Because, really, once your companions become your family, and you lose them anyway, how does one move on from that? Gallifreyans weren’t meant to lose and out live their family. Not until after a millennia together, anyway. 

“This is all just so unexpected. For me. For you. I shouldn’t be surprised, I know. It’s just after so long, you start to assume that at some point, life must slow down some, get a little less exciting. People certainly talk about it happening often enough. The boring starts to creep in. The sad and unsatisfied pile gets bigger than the happy pile.” He trailed off. 

She was smiling at him, head resting on her hand. 

“I’m an idiot.” 

She nodded. “Yes, you are.” 

“It’s just...you were...” He gestured helplessly, again. “...and it took me so long...and now you’re right here...and starting this insane church, and I...I don’t...” 

That damn burning was back in his eyes. It was just that she looked and sounded exactly the same. So beautiful and brilliant and an android and dead and he wanted to touch her, hold her more than anything, but was scared to death to. And he was supposed to be better than that, roll with the punches. But this was his life, his wife, and that changed everything. Made every big thing small and painful and he was too far away from the TARDIS for this to be happening. 

Her hands were warm where she held one of his own. Warm, but not from blood, from whatever was powering her body.

“Shh.” She kissed his hand. “It’s me, my love. I promise you. Ask me anything, test me how ever you like. I’m not flesh and blood right now, but what makes me me, my mind, my heart, it’s here. Just as you’ve always known them. If you weren’t ready for this, then why did you even come here?” Now she looked ready to cry and that hurt worst of all. 

_I needed to know you were safe. And not too cross with me. And..._

And just as he had a few hours ago, he cupped her jaw with his hand and kissed her. It was different than last time, better, more solid. Her perfume was back and welcome, awakening long forgotten physical sensations. 

Parts of his brain were cataloging all the minute proofs that he wasn’t kissing a completely organic life form. 

But other parts of his mind were yelling loud and clear that he was kissing River Song. 

The slow urgency of her lips. The stroke and clench of her hands in his hair. The surge of her round, cushiony body molding to his. He really loved that, getting more of her into his arms. His tongue found hers. She moaned low with surprise and approval. 

A tiny part of him whispered this could be a trap. 

River undid his bow tie, and began on his shirt’s buttons. 

The Doctor shut off all the annoying parts of his brain and fell into the now. 

A long time later, they lay naked (sweaty and breathless on his part) on the bed hidden behind the red curtain. His skin, his soul, every part of him thrummed with sparks of intoxicating pleasure. Even better than that tea he’d drunk on that planet that one time. But holding River in his arms, quiet, sated, and together after...all that va voom... He’d forgotten, hadn’t wanted to remember, how good this felt. 

“You’re really alive,” he said, stupidly. 

She rubbed his arm soothingly. “I thought that you must have known, that this is what you planned for, when you saved me in the first place. But I keep forgetting that wasn’t you.”

“What do mean it wasn’t me? No, I know. Spoilers.” 

She smiled against his chest. 

“I’ll admit, I’m no expert, especially relative to how long I’ve been alive.” His train of thought skipped a beat at the depressing figures. “But I must say, I believe even by Time Lord standards, this is the most peculiar marriage I’ve ever heard of.” 

She leaned up to meet his gaze. “Would you have it any other way, my love?” 

He filled the empty space between his fingers with her tangled hair. “I would not change one thing. Not if it meant changing you, or our history, our _future_ , together in any way, Melody Pond.”

Her eyes lit up with her enormous smile. “Aw now, see. You can be romantic.” She sighed, kissed him lightly, then rested her head back on his chest, and snuggling closer. “Big softie, you,” she whispered. 

He chuckled and kissed her hair, then rested his forehead against her mane of curls. _Geronimo._


End file.
